bloogs blowing by

immortalizing Tae's strangeness

Tae told me to write this down so I will remember this story when she has kids.

Tae's first time eating a ring.

Once upon a time, Tae was taking a bath. All of a sudden, she put my ring in her mouth!! I asked her why she was eating my ring. She just laughed and laughed and then stuck my whole finger in her mouth. She is very strange! I don't want her to swallow my ring!

The end.

Transit

At our new place, we have lots of options on how to get various places. This morning, I asked Tae whether she wanted to take the train to ballet or take the car. She is a huge fan of public transportation, and chose the train.

As we were getting ready, she started packing her purse - with a chapter book!

When we got on the train, she clutched her purse on her lap and "read" her book... later as we were walking home, she said, "on the train grownups hold their bags on their laps and read books. They don't talk."

It was kinda funny seeing little Tae sitting on the T reading a book that's a little to advanced for her.

We are enjoying public transportation!!

There are few certainties in life...

me: "Tae, I will always be your mommy. And I will always love you."

Tae: "Mommy, I will always be strange."

This comes the evening after she woke up at 6:30am and proclaimed, "YIPPEE!". Granted, I yippeed right along with her, prompting her to ask me (from her bed the next room over) why we were being so strange.

We do strange things sometimes.

For us, the strange and silly things we do are like our anchor in a sea of chaos. We are moving this weekend, to a new apartment for our new family unit. I'm bracing myself for the transition. We are all very excited. And we all have lots of things to pack and do before the move actually happens.

See you on the other side.

You can have it all...

I learned an invaluable lesson this week.

"You can have it all. Just not at the same time."

I have always been one to take on the world and then some. Usually, I make it out just fine.

My professional development stint in California is done, and I had an amazing opportunity to meet some amazing mentors and role models. It was so important to me to meet some Asian American women who had gone on to become presidents of colleges. And they had kids and famiies.

I think I had believed for myself that doing it all meant throwing myself in to my education, my career, and my family all at once. And mostly, I've done ok. But as I look forward to the next couple of years, and all the big goals and events that are coming up, I finally dawned on me that doing it all might mean that I do it all only moderately well. And that I find totally unacceptable.

I hadn't had a woman tell me that I can do it all, but just not all at once. And meeting some women who had done it all was so inspiring, and reassuring, like this huge burden that has been lifted from my shoulders.

So, in the next year, my goal is let myself off the hook a little about my work. And to put my family and myself first.

We'll see how it goes!!

In the bath

because Tae enjoys swimming more than bathing. who says you can't kill two birds with one stone?

Deep thoughts

Tonight in the bath, Tae asked me if I was going to always take care of her. I, being the sucker that I am, said yes.

"Even when you're dead?" she asked.

"Yes," I said, "even when I'm dead."

"Don't worry, Mommy," she said, "I'll be in the hole with you. We can be dead together."

Holidazed

We have had an exciting couple of weeks!! It's beensuch a whirlwind that I haven't gotten the chance to write anything!!

Luckily, one of my resolutions for 2009 is to write more.

Here's a quick glimpse at whtat we've been up to:

a major snowstorm, a surprise party, a ring, another really snowy day, a man coming down our chimney, and an annua pilgrimmage.

Phew!!

NPR gets me in trouble again

I know that the reasonable thing to do is to turn off the news in the car.  But to be honest, that's the only way I learn anything about what's going on in the world.  Seriously.  If it's not on NPR during my commute, I don't know that it's happening.

SO.  The other day driving home, there was a story on the radio about a young boy who I think had died in an accident when he was playing with a real gun.  Tae heard part of the story, and I edited it to tell her that the boy was playing with a real gun, got hurt, and had to go to the hospital.

We've been talking a lot about guns recently, as a result.  Hunters in Peter and the wolf with guns.  Police officers with guns.  US Marshals with guns helping Ruby Bridges during civil rights.  It's kind of funny - she calls a bullet a ball.

But Tae now knows that guns are dangerous.  And this morning, as she sat on the potty, she asked me why police officers and marshals carry guns if they hurt people.

And I had nothing that made any sense that I could say to her.  Except that violence begets violence.

Happy Halloween.

Coming out

Tonight I dragged Tae with me to a fancy work-function.  I needed to be there to be there, and to say some brief remarks (like under 5 minutes).  There were fancy work people there, like my boss, and people above him.  It was from 5:30pm to 7:30pm on a Friday evening.

It didn't really occur to me that some of these people have no idea that I have a child.  But, the truth is, they don't.  For some reason, people meet me, sit in my office, and if they don't know I have a child, it doesn't even occur to them that the artwork and photos that *cover* my office are by and of my daughter.  I probably have 20 drawings by Tae all over my office, countless pictures, markers everywhere, and a box of legos in the corner.

And yet, even my boss was surprised to learn that the girl clinging to my knee was my daughter.  Another colleague even went so far as to point out the beautiful child sitting at a nearby table (Tae was sitting with my friends).  I said "thank you," and he gave me a confused look.  It was only after me saying that she was my daughter that it clicked for him.

It made me uncomfortable.  Am I obligated to talk to my boss about my personal life?  Why do people assume that I don't have a child?  Will they view me differently having met my daughter?

I know that my boss *knew* that I have a child becuse I have mentioned childcare issues in scheduling things with him.  I don't think it really clikced until he saw her, and knelt down to talk to her.

I suppose most of it is my own insecurity, that maybe seeing me as a mother will make people think less of me in the capacity of my work.  That I can't do my job well because of my responsibilities at home.  I'm sure that they would totally flip out if they knew that I was a single mother. 

Part of it is that I care a lot about my work, maybe almost too much.  I've been one of only a small handful of people building up the programs of my office, and I am very proud of my work and emotionally connected to it all.  The women that I work with tend to be more compassionate about the roles of working mothers.  But, I think the men that I work with don't always get it. 

I remember another night I was working at social function, and a colleague asked me where my fiance was.  My response, "Someone's got to stay home with my daughter."  Where did he think that she was?

Maybe it's nice to put it all out there.  And maybe no one but me even cares.  Who knows.

feelings

"I feel happy when I am hugging my mommy."

"I feel angry when someone is pushing me."

"I feel sad when I am missing my mommy."

"I feel silly when I am playing silly games!"