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When I Grow Up

This morning at Tae's school, there was an announcement hanging up about one of her classmates' father who had discovered some fancy-schmancy method for making magnets or something like that.  Tae asked what the announcement was about and I told her that someone's father had discovered something and about how that's what scientists do.

So I asked her if Tae wanted to be a scientist and discover things when she grows up.  She said, "No, I want to be a mommy."  I told her that she could be a mommy and be something else, just like how I'm a mommy, and I also work in my office.  Then Tae looked at me with these big concerned eyes and asked, "Will you still be my mommy when I'm a mommy?"  I told her her that yes, I would always be her mommy, and I would always take care of her, just like how my mommy helps me.

And then Tae turned to me and said, "Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be a mommy and an author.  Will you be an author with me?"  I told her that I would, that I would love to make books with her.  Then she said to me, "I know!  You can write the words and I'll be the illustrator!"

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Somehow, she knows how to say all the right things that make me all bubbly and happy and optimistic inside.

i'm still here!!

this is just a quick shout out to say that i am still alive.   

last week i was at a training institute for work in michigan.  this weekend, i am at a retreat with students.  i am tired.  i miss my bed.  i miss my baby.

but on the flip side, i am invigorated about my work.  having spent the last two days with an amazing group of college students, i am reminded about why i do the work i do... and i am full of excitement and energy for the coming school year. 

i would never give up any of my roles - as an educator or as a mother.  but sometimes, i don't know how to fit it all into the 24 hours that i have every day.  this is not even to mention any other hats that i might wear (this probably explains why i fold laundry once every other month).  there's a quote somewhere about how every amazing person in history still only had 24 hours in a day... but were any of those people balancing single parenthood with all of their other roles?

anyway.  i'm alive.  i'm inspired.  i'm homesick.  and i'm tired.  and i miss tae.

(and, i'm incredibly thankful to have the most loving and helpful parents in the world.)

definitely 3 and a half

work-ish colleagues at a friday outing:
"how old is your daughter?
me: "3 and a half."
tae: "actually, i'm 3 and 3/4."

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today, i told tae that i needed to do some dishes for 10 minutes, and then i'd come play with her. 

she, being 3, is faster than me, and said, "you stay right here." 

two minutes later, she came back to the bedroom (where i was having troubles getting off of the bed) and said, "i did the dishes, so now you can play with me."

"which dishes did you wash?"
"the bowls, the plates and the chopsticks in the sink."
"and they're all clean?"
"yes."
"did you use soap?"
"umm, no."

darn.  she almost was helpful.

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in the car today...
tae: "mommy, how do you think?"
me: "how do i think?  do you mean what do i think?"
tae: "no, HOW do you think?"
me:  "like what happens when i think?"
tae: "no, how do i think?  how do you think?"
me: "you mean what goes on in your head?"
tae: "YES!"
me: "we think thoughts, like ideas..."
tae: "like remembering?  like hearts?"
me: "yup, and you can think about things you want to do, or think up stories."
tae: "i think a lot.  i think about when will mommy come back... and i wish mommy would cut out heart for me, and i wish i could buy a new stuffed animal."

the idea of tae thinking a lot is a little scary.  it means that there is a) definitely a lot more going on in her head than she lets on and b) she is absolutely positively my daughter.

taemom

[note from the editor:  this is officially tae's first post.  apparently, the new typepad app on my ipod touch is so easy that even a three year old can figure out how to work it.  this is what happens when i am lazy in the morning, and let my daughter play with my ipod so i can shut my eyes for 5 more minutes.]

I am proud

Lately, I think Tae and I have been talking a lot about different families. When we are pretending, I always make a suggestion about the family: maybe there could be two mommies? or two daddies and mommy? Mostly, this is because I don't want Tae to ever feel like her family is abnormal. I try to teach her that families can be different.

So, imagine my joy when Tae and I saw an infant and two women sitting on a picnic blanket at the park and Tae exclaimed, "Look! It's two mommies!".

I would have thought that it was one mommy and her friend, but maybe there's something that Tae can teach me about how I see the world.

scenes from the weekend

i was ecstatic that the rain held off for saturday.  spent the night out, enjoying the freezing cold air and death cab for cutie.  funny moment of the night - ben gibbard trying to make small talk by making fun of irish people and red sox fan in boston = BAD IDEA ben.

what else could i wish for on mother's day?

 

not much.

mom

tae has started calling me "mom." mostly, it's in the context of phrases like, "thanks mom!" or "come mom!"

energized

i did it!

i joined the gym!  well, that was on march 5.  joining the gym was a goal for the year.  because if i didn't join the gym, there was no way at all that i was going to go.

it then only took me about 3 weeks to actually GO to the gym. 

it was actually... FUN.  i went with a friend, brought my ipod, dreamed up ideas of things that i would do in my free time... and then tonight, when tae conked out at 7pm (having not napped and gone on a field trip at school), i was productive as all heck.

i caught up some with two west coast friends (btw, i'll be in socal in mid april) on the phone.  i made a new playlist for my workouts.  and i made a dress for tae out of a grown-up sized t-shirt.  with the sewing machine and all.  i am still deliberating about how to do the straps (should i leave them open to tie up in little bows?  sew straps?  find some ribbon?), so right now it's strapless.

i've done all this, and it's 11pm.  the dishes are done, tae's lunch for tomorrow is packed.  i think i just need to take a shower, and then maybe i'll read a little before i go to bed.  if this is what going to the gym does to me, then i need to go every day!  (and well, tae also needs to go to bed at 7pm every day.  one can dream, right?)

still alive...

we are indeed still alive out here. me, barely. I presented at one conference on Saturday, went to a preconference workshop on Sunday, and will be commuting back and forth between the conference and my office on Monday and Tuesday. to add another layer, I'm scheduled to help facilitate a student retreat next Saturday.

as if that wasn't enough, add on top of that daylight savings and a three year old who was convinced that 2am was wake up time on saturday morning.

I even took the time out of my schedule to hit the spa on Friday afternoon, but somehow I don't quite feel relaxed anymore.

in other news, tae seems to have latched on to only part of the story of the kissing hands. while she still often cries when I drop her off at school, when I come back at the end of the day, she cries out, "I still have my kissing hands!!"

you look like a daddy

on several occasions, tae has told me, "you look like a daddy."  initially, this is a little shocking to me - what does her concept of what a daddy looks like?

one instance was after i chopped off all my hair - this one, i can forgive her.

another instance, however, was when i was wearing a blazer, a purple velvet one at that.  really?  what has she absorbed already where she thinks that only daddies should wear blazers?  i mean, even at her school, it seems like there's a pretty even split between men and women who pick up their kids.  can't i wear a blazer and look like a mommy?

and today's instance was when she and i were dancing together.  she said, "you're the daddy!"  and i said, "can't i be the mommy?"  to which she replied, "i'm the pretend mommy, and you're the pretend  daddy."  i kept pressing her, and asked her if we could both be mommies.  to which she told me, "you're wearing long pants, and i'm wearing a dress.  i'm the pretend mommy and you're the pretend daddy."  SIGH. 

it's a little disappointing, especially because i would hope that with me as one of her role models, she would believe that a mommy is capable of anything and everything - in a blazer, in a dress, whatever.  and that it's not just daddies that have important jobs or dance with other mommies.  SIGH.

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in other news, it snowed here AGAIN.  this time, however, SNOW DAY!  when i checked at 7:30am, my office, tae's school, everything was closed.  and tae was soo excited... especially because she had just been telling me how she didn't want to go to school.  in some ways it's bad because she pretty much got her wish - tae and mommy all day, at home, just playing.  i hope she doesn't expect a snow day the next time she doesn't feel like going to school.

she seemed a little incredulous about why she wasn't going to school.  like she wasn't sure if she willed it, or if it was really the snow, or why the snow meant you can't go to school... we'll see how wednesday morning goes.

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thanks so much to everyone for their input and advice about tae's "failure to thrive."  all of her tests have come back normal, so she really is thriving... just in her own way.  if anything, during my attempts to fatten her up, i'll probably be the one to gain the weight.  pasta alfredo for lunch, cheese quesadillas for dinner... i'm really trying, but there's only so much cheese and butter you can eat...