Tonight in the bath, Tae asked me if I was going to always take care of her. I, being the sucker that I am, said yes.
"Even when you're dead?" she asked.
"Yes," I said, "even when I'm dead."
"Don't worry, Mommy," she said, "I'll be in the hole with you. We can be dead together."
We have had an exciting couple of weeks!! It's beensuch a whirlwind that I haven't gotten the chance to write anything!!
Luckily, one of my resolutions for 2009 is to write more.
Here's a quick glimpse at whtat we've been up to:
a major snowstorm, a surprise party, a ring, another really snowy day, a man coming down our chimney, and an annua pilgrimmage.
I know that the reasonable thing to do is to turn off the news in the car. But to be honest, that's the only way I learn anything about what's going on in the world. Seriously. If it's not on NPR during my commute, I don't know that it's happening.
SO. The other day driving home, there was a story on the radio about a young boy who I think had died in an accident when he was playing with a real gun. Tae heard part of the story, and I edited it to tell her that the boy was playing with a real gun, got hurt, and had to go to the hospital.
We've been talking a lot about guns recently, as a result. Hunters in Peter and the wolf with guns. Police officers with guns. US Marshals with guns helping Ruby Bridges during civil rights. It's kind of funny - she calls a bullet a ball.
But Tae now knows that guns are dangerous. And this morning, as she sat on the potty, she asked me why police officers and marshals carry guns if they hurt people.
And I had nothing that made any sense that I could say to her. Except that violence begets violence.
Tonight I dragged Tae with me to a fancy work-function. I needed to be there to be there, and to say some brief remarks (like under 5 minutes). There were fancy work people there, like my boss, and people above him. It was from 5:30pm to 7:30pm on a Friday evening.
It didn't really occur to me that some of these people have no idea that I have a child. But, the truth is, they don't. For some reason, people meet me, sit in my office, and if they don't know I have a child, it doesn't even occur to them that the artwork and photos that *cover* my office are by and of my daughter. I probably have 20 drawings by Tae all over my office, countless pictures, markers everywhere, and a box of legos in the corner.
And yet, even my boss was surprised to learn that the girl clinging to my knee was my daughter. Another colleague even went so far as to point out the beautiful child sitting at a nearby table (Tae was sitting with my friends). I said "thank you," and he gave me a confused look. It was only after me saying that she was my daughter that it clicked for him.
It made me uncomfortable. Am I obligated to talk to my boss about my personal life? Why do people assume that I don't have a child? Will they view me differently having met my daughter?
I know that my boss *knew* that I have a child becuse I have mentioned childcare issues in scheduling things with him. I don't think it really clikced until he saw her, and knelt down to talk to her.
I suppose most of it is my own insecurity, that maybe seeing me as a mother will make people think less of me in the capacity of my work. That I can't do my job well because of my responsibilities at home. I'm sure that they would totally flip out if they knew that I was a single mother.
Part of it is that I care a lot about my work, maybe almost too much. I've been one of only a small handful of people building up the programs of my office, and I am very proud of my work and emotionally connected to it all. The women that I work with tend to be more compassionate about the roles of working mothers. But, I think the men that I work with don't always get it.
I remember another night I was working at social function, and a colleague asked me where my fiance was. My response, "Someone's got to stay home with my daughter." Where did he think that she was?
Maybe it's nice to put it all out there. And maybe no one but me even cares. Who knows.
i am home sick today. which after driving to work to drop tae off, stopping by the office to clear my day, going to the stre to ge medicine and soup... well, i really only have four hours to rest at home before i need to drive back to work to pick tae up from school. sigh.
i think the last time i took a sick day (for myself) was in the spring of 2007.
and i'm fighting my instincts to clean up around the house; i've negotiated with myself, and being on the computer seems more restful than folding laundry and doing dishes. my head is pounding, and my sinuses are all stuffed up.
unforunately, tae also had a rough night last night too.
in fact, it's just been one big long crazy month. good thing it's almost over.
As I was doing the breakfast dishes at 1:30am tonight, I had this realization that maybe I'm not role modeling good sleep habits for Tae.
On many nights, I fall asleep putting Tae to bed. Tonight, I actually set an alarm from 11pm, but I think I slept through it. Usually, if I do fall asleep with Tae, I'll wake up around 1am, confused and disoriented, with all the house lights on and dishes to be done in the sink.
I end up getting up, but after a 3 hour nap and a shower, going back to bed is kind of hard. Hmmm, waking up at 1am and staying up for 3 or 4 hours? Sounds pretty familiar.
I know that I could just sleep, and try to get up before Tae in the morning. I'm just not good at this. Before Tae, I used to shower in the mornings, but now, it's just too much to try to shower in the morning a) because it's hard to predict what time I need to wake up to wake up before her and b) because I'd rather take a shower when I know that I can get 20 minutes of time to myself.
At least it gives me time to catch up with friends on the west coast. =)
So today, Tae is like totally fine. Except that she was up from 1:30am to 5:30am. And I was too. And then we got up at 8am. She seemed fine then, but I wasn't sure if the Tylenol was keeping her fever down. And it seemed irresponsible to send her to school. So she's been in the office with me all day. (Did I mention that we went back to sleep at 5:30am?)
I also need to send out a huge life saving thanks to E for coming to the rescue and providing additional child care this morning. I had a fairly contentious meeting this morning that I'm glad that I could attend. And I was fairly stressed out, you know, at 3am in the morning, trying to figure out how to deal with my crazy schedule.
So, things turned out ok. Tae seems fine. But, now I have a day's worth of work to catch up on. And oh yeah, night's worth of sleep.
But Tae is TOTALLY helping me organize my office. Aren't office supplies like the funnest thing to a 3.75 year old?
Tae woke up at 1:30 am and had a temperature of 100.5 and was complaining of a headache.
In my stupor, I gave her Tylenol. I forgot that Tylenol keeps her up. It is 3:20am now. Her fever is down and now she is reading out loud to herself in the living room. I am hiding in the bedroom trying to figure out what to do with her tomorrow.