bloogs blowing by

A day at the dentist

Yesterday, I tookthe day off to take Tae for her semi-annual check up at the dentist. Tae told me bravely before the dentist that she was going to try not to cry. She cried the last two times we went, mostly because it was so new to her and because things like the spit-sucker thing were kids scary.

This time, she did very well. She's still so tiny that in order to scoot her head ip to the headspot on the dentist's chair, her calves are at the fold in the seat. Her dentist pits sunglasses on the patients so the lights won't shine in her eyes.

Unfortunately, we have one cavity. I guess we're going to start flossing. The hygebist gave us Disney princess kid's flossers. I almost considered giving in and buying these to use at home, but luckily, they were nowhere to be found at our local target.

The good news is that Tae's bite seems to be correecting itself. She used to have sort of half an underbite, and as a result her front teeth have been chipped away because she kind of grinds her teeth to make them sit evenly.

But apparently, now she has ground her teeth down so much that she is biting evenly. This is a huge relief because at one point the dentist had talked about putting something in her mouth to help correct her bite. I wasn't looking forward to trying to explain orthodontia to my 4 year old. Phew.

Beauty & Annie

Recently, a couple of things have come out of Tae's mouth, that make me think hard about raising a daughter.  She has told me that a) she wishes she had curly hair, and b) she has pointed out "skinny" people on the street.

I know that these kinds of things are out there; I guess part of me is surprised that she's absorbing them, and she's only four.  I don't think that it's something that has reached the point of affecting her self-esteem, but I feel like this is the gateway to self-hatred.

When we talked about curly hair, I told her that sometimes I wished I had curly hair.  I also told her that some of my friends with curly hair wished that they had straight hair.  Apparently, tonight, after she took her hair out of her braids (I'll come back to that one), she was enthralled at her slightly wavy hair. 

As for the skinny people, the girls that she pointed out where *definitely* wearing skinny jeans.  And when I asked Tae what skinny meant, she told me that it meant straight and long.  I don't think she was expressing a judgement about being skinny or not skinny, but it seems like that isn't too far away.

I know that Tae will go through phases.  I guess I just don't feel quite prepared for this, not yet.  What do I say if Tae says she wishes she had blond hair?  (Oh wait, she already asked for pink hair, and I tried to explain that it's really hard to dye black hair... which surely makes blond hair more desirable.  Sigh.) 

*About the braids.  Tae has started wearing her hair in two braided pigtails.  She was inspired to have this hairstyle after we borrowed three Magic Tree House books from our next door neighbor.  The girl in the books is named Annie, and has pigtails with braids.  Tae is so enamored with the stories that she asked to have her hair like Annie's... and then told me that she wanted to be called Annie... every day.

Yesterday at school, all of Tae's teachers and friends were calling her Annie.  All of her artwork was signed "Annie."  Instead of getting my usual pile of letters... "TO MOMMY FROM TAE" I received a letter "TO JACK FROM ANNIE."  While Tae was going by Annie, she decided that I was Jack, Annie's big brother who wears glasses.  Tae Annie even told my mom today that I renamed her Annie, and that she renamed me Jack.

It's kind of cute, but it also worries me.  Like how I had to explain to Tae that she is unique, that her name is special because we couldn't find it on a mug at the store.  Will she go through a phase where she wants a name that comes on a mug? 

Hi, my name is eliaday.  My name doesn't come on a mug and I have straight hair.  And I have a daughter and I want to raise her to be proud of who she is, and happy with herself.

Harriet Tubman, night #3

Why would I think that Tae would forget about Harriet Tubman if I hid the book under the bed?  Insanity, clearly.

She stood in her room, thinking outloud, "Where's the book?"  I asked her which book.  "The book about the girl who is afraid of going to jail!"  Since clearly, she was talking about Harriet Tubman (we don't have any other books in the house where girls are afraid of going to jail), I looked under the bed and said, "Here it is!"

Tae jumped for joy when she saw the book.  "Yeah, that one!  I picked this one because I wanted to learn about her (points to Harriet)."  Yeah, of course you did.  And because you wanted to make your mother go CRAZY.

Before I read the book to Tae, she wanted to read the book to herself.  So I sat just outside the door to her room, and listened to her make up her own words to the book.  The best part I heard was, "She talked to God, she lived in God, because God is a state."

After the pretended to read the ENTIRE book to herself, I came in and started reading the book for real.  And as I started reading, Tae started talking about jail again.  She wanted to know why Harriet was afraid of going to jail.  And so I told her that where Harriet lived, there were rules that were unfair, and that the rules were different for people who looked different, and that that was unfair.  I told her that Harriet was trying to escape to somewhere where the rules were fair, where she could be free.  I told Tae that sometimes rules are unfair, and that sometimes, it's ok to break the rules - that it was ok for Harriet to break the rules.

I am pretty much 100% confident that this will all come up again, and I'll be screwed because I told my daughter that some rules are unfair and that sometimes its ok to break the rules.  But I want her to understand the subjectivity of rules.  That some rules are meant to be broken.

Maybe this is a little much for Tae.  But I know that things stick in her mind so much - and I want her to understand that in this instance, it was good for Harriet Tubman to break the law.  Otherwise, I'm afraid Tae will think that Harriet was doing something bad...

And as we were talking about this, Tae said to me, "You can't use funny words in school."  I asked Tae if the funny words were in another language, or just nonsense.  She told me they were just nonsense.  And then she said, "That's not fair."

Luckily tonight, Tae actually fell asleep in the middle of the book, after only about 15 minutes - probably because she was soooo pooped out from staying up late last night taking about praying and jail.

To be continued...

i wish...

lately, a lot of things have been coming out of tae's mouth that begin with... "i wish..."

"i wish i could have ballet classes."
"i wish i could have tip tap shoes."
"i wish i could have purple crocs. " (i succumbed to this one.)

and lately, a lot of her requests have been very, well, traditionally feminine.  my daughter is now in that stage where she loves pink and purple.  she won't wear her brown leggings that she wore all winter because, in her words, she doesn't "look beautiful" in them. 

she has a pair of play dress up shoes that i only let her wear in the backyard.  and she wears them EVER SECOND that she is in the backyard.  they are plastic open toe high heels that are silver with lacey purple flower on the front.  i'm surprised that she doesn't trip in them - i would if i wore something like that.  there are about 2 inches of shoe left on the back of the shoe.

when we were in california, her grandma bought her a pair of keds-ish shoes that are kind of ballet-style.  the problem is that these shoes rub her ankle, and give her blisters.  we were at gap kids, and she had her eyes on these jelly sandals... and i convinced her that the sneakers were better, that she could run and jump better in them.  d'oh.  i told her that the jelly sandals were not good every day shoes, that they were good for the beach only.

today, we were talking about money, and about allowances.  tae had collected 13 cents from spare change she found around the house... and she told me that she was saving up for these jelly sandals from gap kids.

i don't want to get in the habit of making her every wish come true... and i'm not sure that ballet lessons are coming her way any time soon...

but i'm not sure what to do on the shoes issue.  she pointed out to me a girl at her school who was wearing ballet flats.  so i'm hard pressed to make it sound like she is way to young for them.  (maybe when she turns 4?)  i could help her save up for the shoes, but i think she's too young to help out with chores, and i think a little young to start an allowance.

BUT, i also feel bad that we have these shoes that she won't even wear.  i could try to exchange them... but really, i want her to wear closed toe shoes.  and if i buy her shoes that she has been coveting, she probably won't wear her brand new crocs any more.  BUT, the flip side is that if i can get her to wear something other than these dress up shoes in the backyard... well, that would be a plus.

what would you do?

i wish she was lusting after converse all stars... but i supposed i can't complain too much.  my favorite shoes for the spring are... a pair of black ballet flats.

sick day

i knew that something was off when tae woke up clutching her forehead at 2:30am and then fell asleep sitting up in my lap.  when she woke up at 6am, she was burning up. 

we've been really lucky in that tae hasn't really been sick.  at all.  sure she's been stuffed up and sniffly all weekend, but the last time she was sick was when she had a uti in october.  and i can't remember when she was sick before that.  so, i guess we were really just due for a sick day.

i was nervous because today also happened to be her "special" day at school - the day she does show and tell and is the classroom helper.  i was glad that she forgot all about this.  what with the fever and headache and all.

for the first half of the day, she was lethargic and sleepy and feverish.  she ate three popsicles, and that's it.  i only had liquid tylenol at home and she screamed every time i brought up medicine or the thermometer.  around noon, i gave up and managed to hold her down while i took her temperature - 101.5.

luckily, my dad was around to bring re-enforcements - tylenol meltaways and more popsicles.  the popsicles failed to be a hit in the afternoon because somehow tae got her upper lip frozen to a popsicle.  i don't know why that happened, but she must have cut her upper lip or something because after that, she wouldn't eat popsicles *or* drink anything.  eh.  tae suspicious of the meltaways at first, but once she had some she kept telling me that she needed more medicine because she didn't feel better yet.  (maybe they shouldn't make them *so* good.)

but, clearly the drugs helped because between 4pm and 10pm she was so cheery and energetic.  she got her appetite back.  she read a million books.  she danced.

unfortunately, by about 8pm, i was fading. 

a long week

today was the first day of that i had off with tae since sunday, march 2.  sniff.  i'm a work-aholic mommy.

recently, tae's been in to asking me why i have to go to work, and she just wants me to stay at home with her.  and i tell her that i *want* to go to work, that i have fun at work.  i don't want her to think that i work just for the money. 

it's very cute, because when i pick her up from school, she'll proudly show me her hands, and say, "look, i still have my kissing hands!"  i'm not sure if she actually thinks about them when i'm not around.  but, i've found that she does listen to some of the things i say...

since she talks so much about missing me, i tell her how i miss her too, and how i look at her artwork and pictures of her, and it makes me feel happy.  i told her that if she misses me, she could write me a note or draw me a picture.

this evening, i was sorting through the piles and piles of artwork that she brings home from school.  i noticed that a lot of them having scribblings that say, "MMOMY" or "MMOMMY" or sometimes "MOMMY" all over them.  the other day, i asked her if she wanted to give any of her projects to some other grown-ups she knows.  she responded, "no!  they're all for you!!"

i worry that she and i are too close sometimes.  i don't know how i could possibly expect anything drastically different given our current situation, but still.  i worry about not spending enough time with her.  i do miss her when i don't get to see her.  i worry that i give too much at work.  with my work-aholic tendencies, with my desire to take on every challenge in front of me, i think i'm reaching my upper boundaries in terms of what i can possibly manage as a single working mother to a three year old.  and i'm tired.  i don't think i've ever been this tired in my life.

where to begin

sigh.  i don't know where to begin.  i haven't even been on the computer in 48 hours, which is really really long for me.  (and totally unintentional - though i thought about this a bit after reading this article from today's nyt.)  the weekend has been a mix of fun, adventure, and more fun adventures. 

we are borrowing fancy nancy from tae's school's lending library.  i'm not a huge fan, though the book is cute enough.  fancy nancy likes to say things in french because everything in french sounds fancy (why doesn't korean sound fancy?).  fancy nancy likes tiaras (a fancy word for a crown), fuschia (a fancy word for purple), and parfaits (a fancy word for ice cream sundaes).  i'm not a fan of tiaras.  i love purple.  we're currently not eating ice cream at home because that's the bribe for tae to poop in the potty.  (zero progress being made on this front; it looks like we'll never eat ice cream parfaits again.)  tae told me today that she wished she had shoes like fancy nancy's (ballet slippers with ribbons up her calves).  ugh.

last night was an experiment - a friend of mine invited us over for a fancy dinner party.  this time, tae's early bedtime worked in my favor - she fell asleep on the drive over to the dinner party, and slept for the duration of the entire.  she did, wake up twice, confused and disoriented, but it was nice to be able to enjoy fancy grown up stuff.  ok, so maybe i do like fancy things.

this morning, tae had her first swim lesson down at the ymca.  we got there 30 minutes early to play in the pool.  tae loved being in the water, but i think 45 minutes is about the longest she can last in the water.  about halfway through the class, i think she just got cold and tired.  by noon, she was really cranky and tired, but she was too wired to actually fall asleep.

i've been super tired lately - i've been going to bed when tae goes to sleep (around 9ish), and then i wake up in the middle of the night to finish cleaning up, pack lunch ,and get ready for the next day.  it totally throws me off to essentially sleep in two shifts - but lately, i can't even keep my eyelids open when i read to tae at bedtime.  she calls me out EVERY TIME i misread a word.  it's kind of embarassing that i'm so beat by 9pm that i start imaging words on the pages, and that my 3 year old daughter catches me every single time.

in summary, we are tired, fancy, and pruny.

something borrowed

"Please, God, try to forgive those peple.
Because even if they say those bad things,
They don't know what they're doing.
So You could forgive them,
Just like You did those folks a long time ago
When they said terrible things about You."

i borrowed this from "The Story of Ruby Bridges" by Robert Coles.  when Tae picked this book at the bookstore, i was excited.  now, i find myself trying to teach my three year old about segregation while i read books to her before bed.  it's not really a bad thing, just a new challenge.

the prayer above is the prayer in the book that ruby bridges recites every day she goes to school.  she is the lone black girl sent to first grade at an all white elementary school in new orleans in 1960.

i find myself challenged because it's hard to teach a child about race and racism.  i don't know how to tell Tae what it means to be black.  right now, she thinks it means having brown skin.  she told me that white was like her skin.  i want to talk about these things with her.

we've talked about what it means to protest, but in the context of ruby bridges, the protestors are fighting for the status quo (as opposed to most of our other examples of protesting - most notably, lakas and the makibaka hotel).  it's challenging to try to explain why people wouldn't want ruby in their school.

the good thing is that Tae understands that people are different - i've talked to her a lot about difference - and when i asked her, she said she liked people that were different, and talked about how there are different kids at her school.  i'm happy though.  i'm glad that she's curious enough to want to read about teh story of ruby bridges.

growing pains

or maybe rather, I should say, ungrowing pains.

in the fall, when tae had her three year check up, her doctor was concerned about her height and weight.  yesterday, we had our follow up visit.  i actually saw the words written out on some of the lab work tae had done, "FAILURE TO THRIVE."

um, ok.  i think she's thriving.  she's energetic, she's learning, she's active, she's engaged with the world.  she's just not big.  yesterday, she came in in the 7th percentile for height (35.5 in) and 1st percentile for weight (24.1 lbs).  apparently, she's not keeping up with the "charts" she's even lower or all the charts than 3 months ago, especially on the body mass index scale. 

mostly, i'm not worried.  she's a picky eater.  she's the same size i was at that age.  i'm not a huge person.  her dad is not a huge person. 

but, to be safe, she had tons and tons of blood taken, and ever since then she's been on edge.  she still has the band-aid with the gauze on it stuck to her arm - she won't let me take it off.  she walks about like her arm has been mortally injured.  not to mention that she still has a band-aid on her thigh - there is no boo-boo there except for the rash from keeping the band-aid on too long.

last night as she slept, i tried to pull off the stupid band-aids, after dousing them in baby oil.  in the middle of the operation, eyes closed, tae says, "don't touch my boo-boo.  just look at it."  i failed at removing the band-aids.  why do they stick so well and for so long?

then at 2am when she woke up hungry last night, she told me that she couldn't hold her sippy cup because she had a boo-boo.  she asked me to feed her and i nearly lost it.  at least she has some common sense because when she woke up at 4am, she asked for her smoothie in a bottle, which is thinner so she could hold it with one hand.

and now, this morning, after she told me she was ready to go school, we arrived at school, and she completely balked.  i had to carry her in to the classroom, and then just walk out as she screamed that she didn't want to stay.  eh.

little

tae is little.

she's always been little.  she was under 6 pounds when she was born, so little that she was wisked away right at the beginning just to make sure she was ok.

today, she had her three year check up.

she is a grand total of 35 inches and 24.5 pounds.  she has grown just under two inches in the past year, and hasn't even gained a pound.

so, the doctor is worried.  she's in the 5th percentile for height and the 2nd percentile for weight.  her body mass index is low, 5th percentile.

we have to go back to the doctor in three months.  in those three months, i'm supposed to fatten her up - bulk up on butter, olive oil and cheese.  but really?  tae is sooooo picky about what she eats.  i'm not sure if this will really work.

honestly, i'm not that worried, because i think tae is pretty much developing along the same off-the-charts way that i was when i was her age.  [UPDATE: tae is actually an itty bit taller and heavier than me at the same age!]  i get a little more worried about what the doctor might think, what tests she might ask us to do, if tae doesn't gain weight.

i will say that i think that those elastic bands inside kids' pants and skirts are like the best invention ever.